The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

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Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.


Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand


My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.


“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.


dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]


I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself


U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…


If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie