The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
You Might Also Like
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
incredible book dedication
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.