The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
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Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Only a mother’s love …
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My therapist after every session
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?