the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
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6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Seek kebab; not attention
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Solving a traffic jam
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.