The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
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If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.