The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
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I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”