[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing