The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
You Might Also Like
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face