The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
You Might Also Like
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.