The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
You Might Also Like
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
*puts my mental health in rice
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-