The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
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SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.