The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
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Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life