@jojipaints
@feverschlong Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
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@feverschlong 
@68Cly29 Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
@Dawn_M_ I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
@JohnLyonTweets I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
@GrantTanaka wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
@Alex_but_online The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
@SmartassChef If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
@notacroc [Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
@QwertyJones3 Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
@JB4Realz WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock