@jojipaints

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

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@68Cly29

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

@Dawn_M_

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

@JohnLyonTweets

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

@GrantTanaka

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

@Alex_but_online

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

@SmartassChef

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

@notacroc

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

@QwertyJones3

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

@JB4Realz

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock