The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
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If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.