@UncleDuke1969

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

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@longwall26

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

@KarateAlien

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

@heyitsJudeD

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

@shutupmikeginn

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

@ThinkingSavage

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

@slimmy_shady

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

@Fred_Delicious

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

@clichedout

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

@Alex_but_online

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?