The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono