@UncleDuke1969
@longwall26 Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
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@longwall26 
@KarateAlien ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
@SirJeremyLondon January has been Januweary
@heyitsJudeD *First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
@shutupmikeginn A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
@ThinkingSavage I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
@slimmy_shady Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
@Fred_Delicious [sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
@clichedout Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
@Alex_but_online [2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?