The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

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Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.


ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not


*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..


Me: there’s no pleasing some people


A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks


I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.


Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?


[sees some cut grass]
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”


Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.


[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?