The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
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*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber