The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
You Might Also Like
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”