The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
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I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I was bored.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.