The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
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A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Super Hand Dog Face
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I’d … I’d rather not.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.