The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
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*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Expect the unexporcupine.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.