A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
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Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*