The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

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A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.


Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”


I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.


I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.


That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.


Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.


On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.


Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”


[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.