@IDontSpeakWhine A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
@Token_Geezer The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
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@IDontSpeakWhine 
@Godhatespants Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
@jordan_stratton COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
@Dani_Feld I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
@Kyle_Lippert I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
@Donna_McCoy That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
@Girlnugz Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
@ddsmidt On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
@jilleb163 Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
@LADaddy [At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.