The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
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I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
these two trucks have the same bed length
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.