The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
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Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?