The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
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14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.