The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
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mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know