The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.