The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
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I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.