The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
this is literally a CIA plant
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats