The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
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50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
incredible
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Challenge accepted.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.