The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.