The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
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It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
More like Kate Missington.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.