The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
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the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Same post same
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.