The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
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Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I laughed at this way too hard.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Not yet
Not yet
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Not yet
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Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
when there are deer in the woods
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.