The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
You Might Also Like
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.