The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
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Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.