The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
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My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Me as a therapist: omg same
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook