The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Boating season is upon us.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic