The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
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My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
c’mon!
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Krampus.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives