The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
You Might Also Like
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher