The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
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Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Genius idea!!
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
One venti cheeseburger please.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.