The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
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My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.