The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
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There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
live long and prosper!
Good boy 😂😂
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
only 11 steps left