The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Just me?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal