The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
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One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
#inspiration #foodforthought
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.