The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
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Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?