The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

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I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.


I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?


*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.


If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.


Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep


What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?


WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?


ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.


I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.