The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
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Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
how it started vs how it ended
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.