Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
You Might Also Like
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back