@Social_Mime

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

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@kelkulus

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

@ItalianBratikus

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

@OakHill_

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

@Darlainky

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

@captaincoximus

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

@Dani_Feld

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

@Lance_Said_This

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

@AbbyHasIssues

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.