@Social_Mime

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

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@MorticiaKate

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

@storming01

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

@Marcmywords2

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

@ceejoyner

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

@ShootyDoody

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

@MrDelFreaky

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

@adult_mom

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

@Jarhead44

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

@squirrel74wkgn

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

@SteveMarriott

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back