[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
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Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
When someone trying to leave me
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Go girl power!
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.