“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread