The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
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I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Britain be like
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.