The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
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It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice