The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying