The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
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2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.