The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Me :
All Day At Night
These aliens are taking forever.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.