The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
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My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side